There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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