your thong is hanging out like whoa
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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