I just pynch a tree in the face
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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