I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
