He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
