Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
