I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
