my vag is so smooth its legendary
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
