Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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