After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize