It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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