Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
