So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
