That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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