I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
