Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
