morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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