I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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