I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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