So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
