I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
