I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
