I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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