dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
PANTIES FOUND
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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