1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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