Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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