Umm I'm too high to move.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
