We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
