Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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