If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
