if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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