i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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