You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
