i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
