I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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