Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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