im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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