One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
