my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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