I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
