Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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