I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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