If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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