Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
