Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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