There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
