i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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