Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dear god my vagina.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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