I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
