if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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