i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
