I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
