you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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