I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
