If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i was born a porn star she said
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's never too late to be topless.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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