when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
