wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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