I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
