You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
