No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
