I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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