Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
