its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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