I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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