dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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