I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
