if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
