I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
