I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
