I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
wanna go halves on a baby?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
