I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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